i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
