Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
