I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
