she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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