Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
