First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
