A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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