So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize