fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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