Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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