I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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