I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize