If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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