Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
