soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize