I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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