It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
