Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
