Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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