my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
