My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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