Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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