can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
