genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
