I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
