She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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