Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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