He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
