This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i've created a new STD.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize