I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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