people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize