I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
