I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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