dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
