so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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