I'm lost and stupid without you.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
