I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
