and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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