omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's blow job season.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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