Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
