a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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