You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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