Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
