I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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