I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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