Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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