You really coming over, don't trick.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
