I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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