if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
