my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
