I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
