remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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