No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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