The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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