WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
