what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
